Be Humble, Know Your Limits

Have you ever been in a situation where you needed help, and the person that said they could help you tried, but didn’t really help at all? They said that they knew what you were going through, but in the end their advice may have done more harm for you then good? Maybe you were left wondering if you would’ve been better off if they would’ve just admitted that they couldn’t help you to begin with? I have found that to be the case in my own life a few times. There have been times when I wish someone would’ve just admitted that they couldn’t help me because they hadn’t been through what I was in. I say through because there is a difference between being in the same place as someone and actually making it through that place. Make sense?

One of the most prominent examples that I can think of in my own life has to do with forgiveness. When I was younger, I really struggled with forgiveness — or rather with forgiving one particular person — and after I admitted it, I had multiple people attempt to help me learn how to. The only problem was that most, if not all, of them hadn’t learned how to forgive some people in their own life. This made it hard for me to follow what they were suggesting when they weren’t able to take their own advice and apply it to their life — if it really worked, then I wanted proof of that in their life. They were in the same struggle as me, but hadn’t made it through the struggle yet. Now, I’m not saying that I didn’t  learn some valuable things from them because they had been in the struggle for longer than me, but not one of them could actually get me to that place of true forgiveness. It was nice to know that there were others in the same place as me, but then I needed someone who was through it. I spent a lot of time with these people working and trying to truly forgive, but it wasn’t until I found someone who had already been through it, that I would be able to learn how to do so myself.

I had a professor in college that God used to really speak into this area of my life and thanks to him, I was finally able to forgive — like really forgive. He had gone through so many things in his life, including true forgiveness, and allowed God to heal and transform him into one of the most impactful professors I’ve ever had. He was able to teach me not only what forgiveness really is, but also how huge of a role humility plays in it. There was one day in class that I hope I never forget. He asked all of us to give him the best reasons we could think of as to why the person we couldn’t forgive didn’t deserve to be forgiven. Well, we threw our best reasons at him, but not one of them stuck because he had an answer for every single one of them. I still remember what I said, “I don’t think they deserve it” his response, “Did you?” I was silent. Others tried so hard to come up with reasons and every single one he turned back on us and asked, “Did you?” or “Do you?” or “Don’t you?” until every one of us sat there silent. It was life changing for me. Did I deserve Jesus’ forgiveness? No, but He still gave it to me.

You see, I’ve grown up knowing and believing that God’s forgiveness was — and is — a gift. I knew that I didn’t deserve it, but I guess I didn’t really understand it completely until that moment. I had never thought of my situation like that before and the people that were still in it, weren’t able to help me see that because they hadn’t seen it either. The people who were in it would agree with my reasons as oppose to challenging them. It was never put back on me and how much humility it would require on my end. I wasn’t told that forgiveness had more to do with me then it had to do with them. I hadn’t realized that the biggest reason I was withholding forgiveness from them actually had to do with pride in my own heart. Yes, they had hurt me and I’m not sure they ever realized how deeply. I don’t recall them ever asking me to forgive them, but I still had to. I had to forgive them whether they ever asked for it or not because not forgiving them was destroying me on the inside. It was certainly not creating a clean heart in me and my spirit was in desperate need of renewal (Ps. 51:10). If I was going to become the woman that God created me to be, I was going to have to forgive this person. There was no other option for me except forgiveness.

I’m not saying it was easy because it wasn’t. In fact, I was pretty angry at first. Now that someone who had been through what I was in gave me the key to forgiveness, I could no longer act as though I didn’t know how to — ugh! It took me some time to come to grips with what forgiving them would mean. What it would mean for me personally and what it would mean for our relationship moving forward. My heart was changed throughout that class, and as I continued to learn more about forgiveness, humility, and how to truly forgive that person, I was made aware of how valuable it can be to seek help from people who have gone through what I am in. To find others who are on the other side of my pain so that they can speak into my life with wisdom that only comes from going through the storms I find myself in.

In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Paul writes, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” These verses remind me of this topic because the reason that my professor was able to help or “comfort” me was because he had already received that “comfort” from God. We cannot truly comfort someone else unless we ourselves have received comfort from God already. It’s much easier to walk with someone who is in the place that we made it through because we have been comforted in order to comfort those who come after us. God is compassionate and full of comfort — when we receive His compassion and comfort, we then can pass it on to those around us. When we have no compassion or comfort to give, we tend to do more harm than good purely because we don’t possess the proper tools to help.

I’ve experienced this multiple times since that class I took in college and it has remained true in my life. When I was getting married, I sought counsel from those who had a marriage like the one I wanted. When we lost our first baby, I sought comfort from other women who had also experienced the heart breaking pain of miscarriage. When I lost my dad, I sought comfort from other women who had lost their dads as an adult. In each of these instances, their were those who could have empathy simply because they were empathetic people who God has gifted with the ability to sit with others who are hurting. Then there were those who were able to offer comfort on a level that could only be achieved by the fact that they had walked through it themselves. These are all journeys, and maybe to use the word through is a slight misuse of the word because sometimes you don’t get through it, but you grow and end up further along on the path. I’m not suggesting that forgiveness is a magical thing that makes you forget every hurtful thing someone has done or that you ever completely stop grieving the loss of a friend or loved one. I just know from personal experience that the more time and healing that occurs, the easier it is to help others.

I think that it is very important to know what your “point of pain” is so that you know what your “I don’t know” point is. When I say “point of pain” I mean that place of not knowing in your life or the point that you haven’t made it through yet. It might be the person you won’t forgive, the act you did that you feel is too bad to be forgiven, the relationship you had that failed and you don’t know why, or it might be something that you simply haven’t experienced yet — I don’t know what yours is, but I know that we all have them. Sometimes the best help that you can give someone is to say, “I don’t know what to say/do, but I can help you find someone who does.” Know what your “point of pain” is, admit it, be humble, and do the right thing — sometimes you need to be the sidekick and let someone else be the hero!

Song of the week: This week I chose “My Story Your Glory” and “Forgiveness” by Matthew West. Enjoy!