Changing Seasons

As the colors on the leaves change and the garden wraps up, it’s a sure sign that the warmth of summer has ended. We’re now in the season of preparing for winter and all the snow that comes with it. The changing of seasons always brings up so many analogies in life. We go through different seasons and there’s significance and purpose in each one. Nowadays, each month — even each day — seems to have been assigned some sort of “National _________ Day/Month” and I honestly don’t care to keep up with them; however, October is a month that has been assigned a “National ______ Month” that is actually near and dear to my heart. I believe that it has been assigned multiple different titles, but one of them is “National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.”

As many of you know, Marc and I experienced a miscarriage with our first pregnancy in April of 2019 at exactly 8 weeks gestation. It was one of the hardest things that we’ve had to walk through in our marriage and the grief was so thick. So many women and even some men came forward during that time to let us know that we weren’t alone and it was so helpful for us. We had no idea how many couples have faced the heartbreaking devastation of miscarriage at varying points throughout pregnancy. It was definitely a club neither of us wanted to be a part of, yet there we were. Our due date for that baby was in November, so maybe that’s partially why fall reminds me of our baby, but so does spring, summer, and winter. While we never had the joy and privilege of meeting our first baby or even finding out if it was a boy or a girl, our first baby changed the way I view and appreciate the miracle of life.

As I sit here typing this, pregnant with a little one that’s due within days of our miscarriage date in April, it is not lost on me what a miracle each day that I get to carry him or her is. While we’ve had two healthy, full-term pregnancies with our boys, the truth is that with each pregnancy I’m reminded of how fragile life truly is. I expected to deal with the fear of loss during my first pregnancy after the miscarriage, but I didn’t realize that it would try to creep its way into each one. I thank God each day for each moment that I have the honor of carrying each of our babies and I do my best not to take any of them for granted.

Miscarriage can be lonely. It can also be misunderstood because there isn’t always an outside reminder that a child is missing. It can make the “How many kids do you have?” question awkward to answer because my mama heart will always see one more than you do, but I don’t always feel like explaining. I will always wonder what our first baby would’ve looked like and I think about them often because they are the one that made me a mama. They taught me how quickly my plans can change and how life is extremely fragile. They taught me to be grateful for all the nausea, sickness, exhaustion, pain, etc. that comes with pregnancy, postpartum, nursing, and beyond because it truly is a gift to experience it — no matter how uncomfortable and miserable it might feel. I learned to cherish each moment with my babies from the moment I know they exist until forever because I don’t know how long I get with each of them. Our first baby will always hold a place in my heart and they will never be forgotten because their life — no matter how short it was — mattered. They were designed and created for a purpose and while it was not the story I would’ve chosen, it’s the one that God used to teach me so much.

I realize that every personality is different and each couple that experiences miscarriage has different experiences and feelings. These are mine and I just felt like sharing them because it is such a huge part of who I am as a mama today. On my hardest days, I do my best to remind myself that I am living my dream. Since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted to be a mama. Every single baby is a blessing no matter how long or short their life is. From the moment of conception, they are being uniquely crafted by the Creator for His purposes and glory. They are all fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14).

As I enter into fall and know that winter is just around the corner, I look forward to the time of growing this sweet baby — Lord willing — will do. I’m trusting that come spring, we will have the honor of welcoming another sweet, healthy baby safely. As I begin to feel the fluttering of movement I thank God for each one. No matter what our future holds, I can trust that God has a plan and that He will give me grace for each season. The only thing that sounds harder than having so many little ones at once, is the thought of ever losing another one. I am eternally grateful for each blessing that God puts in our lives and I know that He has a unique design and purpose for each and every one of us.

I’m so grateful for each of our healthy boys and I’m grateful that while our first baby never got to see our faces here on earth, they did get to see Jesus’ face in heaven and for that I’m eternally grateful. I’m also grateful that God is able to comfort and be near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). He is able to walk through ALL of our ups and downs with us and that’s something else I’m eternally grateful for! I’m so grateful for each season of life — they aren’t all filled with happy moments, but they can all be used by God for His glory.

Song of the Week: This week I chose “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle because it’s the song I listened to over and over again during the weeks and months after our miscarriage. Enjoy!