Grief and Grumpiness

Yesterday, I woke up and read my Bible and was in a pretty good mood — until I wasn’t. I couldn’t put my finger on why I was irritated, but I was. There were dishes that needed to be done, I was having a hard time keeping my older boys quiet enough to get our baby asleep for his nap, and then Marc texted me to let me know he was going hunting after work (which I already knew was the plan) and I lost it in a random puddle of angry tears. It felt like an overreaction — and it was — but it told me that something was really bothering me. Marc has referred to it as “the thing beneath the thing” and that’s exactly what I was thinking of in that moment. So, what was the “thing beneath the thing” this time — grief.

If you read my post from last week, then you know that the holiday season is hard for me. If you know me personally, then you know that I’m not very good at showing my feelings and I rarely cry in front of anyone. I tend to mentally prepare myself for things that I think will make me cry so that I can make a point not to cry. I’m not someone that cries on demand and often only cry hard if I’m completely alone. Needless to say, I shed exactly zero tears at any Thanksgiving gatherings. When I was alone and felt like I wanted to cry, I tried to read something sad to make myself cry and it didn’t even work. I’ve tried so hard not to stuff my emotions, but yesterday reminded me that I still have a lot of work to do in that area. It also reminded me that sometimes grumpiness is really grief in disguise.

When my boys are having a hard moment or seem to be in a grumpy mood, it’s very easy for me to recognize it and begin asking them if their hungry, tired, in need of a hug, etc. I begin troubleshooting right away because I know that there is a reason for it. Even though it’s easy for me to do that with them, I’m not very good at doing it for myself. When it’s me, I just attempt to power through instead of stopping and asking myself what the actual problem is. If I don’t get to the root, I can’t deal with it. If I attempt to stuff the big feelings, eventually something small will push me way over the edge and that’s never good — for me or the people around me.

So, yesterday the root was grief and to be perfectly honest, I’m so sick of grieving. Not because I’d prefer to live a life without love — I think that’d be the only way not to grieve, but then you’d have to grieve that so I think it’s unavoidable. I’m sick of grieving because it is exhausting and memories are triggered by the most random stuff. I miss the time before I knew grief on such an intimate level. It feels as though Marc and I have experienced a lot of grief since we got married — not all as a result of death either. That’s the other thing about grief — it isn’t only connected to death. It can be connected to broken relationships, dashed dreams, unexpected diagnosis, emotional hurts, and a slew of other things. Grief is a part of the world we live in and it’s hard — it hurts.

There’s a song by Matthew West that says, “…Maybe the reason for the world, is to make us long for home…” and I feel that deeply now. The older I get and the more heartache and loss I experience, the more deeply aware I am made of the fact that this world is not our home. Hebrews 13:14 says, “For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.” I am so grateful for the hope that Jesus gives us. I am so grateful that even when life is hard, God is always good. I’m grateful that in the midst of the pain, there is still joy to be experienced. I’m grateful for the perspective shift that has allowed me to see life differently and view motherhood differently — both for the better.

I don’t really have a pretty bow to wrap this post up in — grief is hard and God is good. I haven’t figured out how stop stuffing my emotions completely and I don’t know how to remember to stop and find the root cause when I start to feel grumpy as opposed to waiting until I “explode” from something small. I guess my main point is that sometimes grief looks like grumpy and stuffing our feelings doesn’t actually help us in the long run. This world is filled with brokenness and there is so much joy to be found. I love the life that God has blessed me with and I look forward to the day when there is no more death or tears or heartache. Life is such a gift — don’t take it for granted.

Song(s) of the Week: This week I chose “Reason for the World” by Matthew West since I mentioned it in my post. Enjoy!