Six Months

I can’t believe that it has been six months since my dad unexpectedly passed away. Six months doesn’t seem like a long time and yet it does all at the same time. To think that it has been six months since he held my boys, since I heard him laugh, since I ate a meal with him, since I saw him alive is absolutely unbelievable to me. So much has happened over the last six months and it’s so strange that I haven’t had to tell him about any of it. Death is such a strange thing because while your personal world is forever changed, the world around you continues as if nothing has changed. This leads me to the topic of grief.

Grief is such a strange thing. It can show itself in so many different ways for different people and sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. There are times when a moment suddenly brings tears because it sparks a memory or it reminds me that he’s not here to share it with. It can look like not feeling like doing something and not really knowing why I feel that way and then realizing that it’s because of grief. I’ve heard before that grief is all the love you want to give to a person, but can’t because they aren’t able to receive it. I have found that to be true of this grief that I’m experiencing.

Our relationship wasn’t perfect by any means, but he was and always will be my dad. I miss him more than I ever thought possible and I’m grateful for that. I don’t miss him because I have regrets, I miss him because I loved him — still do and always will. There were many things I was looking forward to doing and experiencing with him — especially as our kids grow up — and it’s hard to know that he won’t be here for any of them. It’s hard knowing that none of my kids will have their own relationship and memories with him — they won’t even all have been born while he was alive. I don’t have to call him to tell him when I’m pregnant or to tell him their names when they’re born. Those are the types of things that are the hardest for me at this point in my grief journey and I know that will change throughout my life. Grief isn’t linear. It’s filled with ups and downs and can sometimes get messy. It can look differently for everyone which can be hard for some to understand. We all process grief in different ways and in different time frames and that’s okay.

I’m eternally grateful that I have a relationship with God that allows me to grieve with hope because my dad had one too (1 Thessalonians 4:13). I’m grateful that “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18. I’m grateful that Jesus said, ““Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” in Matthew 5:4. There is SO much comfort to be found in Jesus! He understands my grief, my broken heart, all of it perfectly and He’s here for me always. I know that as time goes on the freshness of the wound will continue to heal and someday it will look more and more like a scar. There is beauty to be found in the grieving process and there is joy in having had the blessing of having my dad for the first 26 years of my life — I know many who can’t say that. I am grateful for the memories and I will treasure them for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to rush the grieving process and I don’t want to get stuck in it either. I have prayed for the ability to grieve well ever since that day six months ago. I want to heal and I want to find the purpose for the pain because I know that God will use it for His glory and I don’t want to miss seeing that if I can help it. There is a time for everything — as Ecclesiastes 3:4 says, “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;.” Today I find myself halfway through the first year of grieving my dad. We’re about to enter one of his favorite times of the year — the holidays — and for the first time in my life he won’t be here for them. I know that they’ll be hard, but I also know that I’ll make it through them and cherish the old memories while making new ones. Grieving isn’t easy and I’m not one to seek opportunities to share the pain, but it’s a part of life and I think talking about it will also help me continue to grieve well.

Song of the Week: This week I chose “Scars in Heaven” by Casting Crowns. Enjoy!