Fighting for His Peace

The miracle of life is something that I pray I never take for granted. As I journey through another pregnancy, I’m constantly reminded of the gift it truly is. Life is so fragile and every breath, every heartbeat, is a miracle. As I was anticipating my most recent midwife appointment — which was yesterday — I was aware that I was anxious, but also knew that there was no reason to be because I knew that God was in control. Until I feel a baby kicking, moving consistently, and have had an anatomy scan, I kind of hold my breath in a sense. I’m very aware of the fragility of life and each pregnancy has proven to be a lesson in trust.

When I’m pregnant I think about the baby constantly. Even when I’m doing something else, I’m always aware of the life inside of me — I even dream about the baby when I’m sleeping sometimes. There is a certain level of anxiety that I believe comes from having walked through the heartbreak of miscarriage. To learn that you don’t have control is a hard lesson and one that I’ve done my best to learn from. I try so hard to hold my babies, my husband, my life as I know it, with an open hand. To live with the realization and understanding that “Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow” as it says in Psalm 144:4. That isn’t always easy though and I often find myself battling with myself in my thoughts as I struggle to keep my hand from clenching shut.

When I heard the heartbeat with the Doppler yesterday a sigh of joy and relief left my body and I was able spend the rest of the evening in peace knowing that our baby was still alive. Next week we have the anatomy scan and I always look forward to that because I think it’s so special to see their little body and find out the gender and marvel at the miracle that they are as we see him or her moving all around. Even in the excitement of that I find myself holding a little bit of my breath. I battle with all the “What if?” questions and pray hard for peace. Yes, there are so many things that might be “wrong” concerning our baby, but there might not be. No matter what this baby is already SO loved and wanted and nothing is going to change that.

In John 14:27 Jesus is talking and He says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” I find this verse so comforting whenever I’m feeling anxious or scared. Jesus left us His peace. That is so huge! Isaiah 9:6 calls Him the Prince of Peace and the fact that He offers us the opportunity to experience His peace is such a gift and a blessing. He didn’t say that our lives as believers would be easy, but He did say that we can have His peace. In the midst of hardship, there is peace to be found in Jesus. In the midst of waiting, there is peace to be found in Jesus. In the midst of trials, fear, doubt, uncertainty, and anxious thoughts, there is peace to be found in Jesus. In the midst of ALL areas of our lives, there is peace to be found in Jesus — and that is a truth I fight hard to hold onto!

So, as I continue on this journey of pregnancy — and beyond because the “What ifs” don’t end with a full-term, healthy baby — I will continue to fight to stay in His peace. I will continue to trust Him and believe that He truly is with me every step of the way for the rest of my days. I will continue to fight against the “What ifs” and replace them with the truth of “What is” as I do my best to hold my life with an open hand. God is never surprised by me or my life and for that I’m eternally grateful because it means that I can trust in His plan and purpose even when my plans fall apart. He is the potter and I am the clay and He won’t ever stop molding and shaping me into His masterpiece until His work in my life is complete. He has a plan and a purpose for each and every one of us no matter how much time on Earth we are given. Our first baby taught me more than I ever imagined and I never even had the opportunity to meet them outside of the womb. Their extremely short time here had purpose and no matter how many days any of us are blessed with, we all have purpose.

Song of the Week: This week I chose two songs because they’re both so good! “Masterpiece” by Danny Gokey and “Peace be Still” by Hope Darst. Enjoy!