Two Years

It’s been two years since the last time I saw my dad. I don’t know how that sentence is even possible, yet here we are. Two years ago today was Mother’s Day of 2022 and I had absolutely zero indication that that would be the last full day my dad spent on this earth. We had our son dedicated at church that morning and ate dinner with my parents that night. It was an evening filled with laughter and I’m so grateful for that. It’s so strange the way that time just keeps going even when you lose someone you love so much. The way that I look at old pictures and think “that was before my dad died” or “that was after my dad died.” I look at my boys and wish so badly that they knew him — he was really good at being a grandpa.

I’ve heard that losing your parent(s) is the “normal” way — that it should be expected; however, we were never created to die, so I don’t think that death every truly feels “normal.” When God created Adam and Eve, death wasn’t a part of His creation — it was the result of sin (Rom. 5:12). We long for heaven because that’s the type of life we were created to live. One without sin and death and pain and tragedy. We long to return to our true home because this broken world isn’t it. I don’t think it would matter if my dad had lived to be 100 — it would still be hard to lose him. I also think that it’s inaccurate to say that as time goes on the grief will lessen. In my experience up to this point, it hasn’t lessened — it’s just changed. The waves are slowly getting further apart, but like the ocean — there’s always one on the way.

Initially, it felt like there were multiple waves per day and any number of them could knock me over. As time as continued, there have been seasons with bigger spaces in between them so I have a chance to catch my breath before another one hits. It seems to go in cycles, but the waves aren’t easier to handle when they hit hard then they were in those first days. Sometimes the waves are small and sometimes they feel overwhelming. I miss him every day and I think about the fact that he isn’t here every single day. Just like I remember our first baby every single day and often wonder what our lives would’ve looked like had that little one lived, I wonder what our life would look like if my dad was still here.

I heard a woman I follow on Social Media — Leslie Burris — talk about grief this week and it was such perfect timing. She said that instead of thinking that someone “should” be over a loss, we need to remember that the pain will come in waves and there will be healing moments along the way. She asked the question, “If all your grief happened at once, would you even be able to handle it?” No, I wouldn’t. I’m grateful for the waves. I’m grateful that healing can happen even in the midst of the storm. I’m grateful that I never have to walk this road alone and that God is always good no matter what comes my way. I’m grateful that He meets me right where I am and holds my heart in His hands. He has remained faithful through it all and has used my pain for His purposes. I would not be the woman I am today had I not experienced the loss of our first sweet baby and the loss of my dad. Both of those experiences shaped me in ways that little else could have.

I’ve shared this before and I’ll share it again. On the way home from my dad’s memorial service, I told Marc that there has to be purpose for my pain. There has to be a way that my dad’s death is used to bring forth something good in my life. I needed to find some meaning in it because it was so shocking that I could barely believe it was even my reality. Well, two years later I am proud to say that I have started to experience some of that purpose. I have begun to see how his death is being used to bring God glory in my life. I can see how his death has created in me a desire to pursue health in a way that I never had before. I can see that God is and will continue to use it in my life for His glory and the good of the people around me. I have seen the goodness of God even in the midst of the deepest valleys in my life and I am grateful.

Is this the story that I would’ve chosen for myself? No — definitely not. Is this the story that I get the honor of living and creating on this earth? Yes — and I want to live it well! I don’t want to waste my time or fail to be a good steward of the life God has blessed me with. I want to work hard and honor God in every area of my life. I want to live now because “someday” may never come. The sayings are cliché, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true. Tell your family that you love them. Don’t wait to celebrate. Live while you can and visit people more than just on the holidays. Make the phone call. Seek forgiveness and forgive others. Take the pictures. Make the memories. Laugh often and find joy wherever you can. Be kind and smile as much as you’re able to. This life is but a blip on the radar in the grand scheme of eternity — it’s very short, so treasure it while you have it and live it well.

Song(s) of the Week: This week I chose “How You Live [Turn Up The Music]” by Point of Grace and “You Get The Glory” by Jonathan Traylor. Enjoy!