Asking Questions

Are you someone who likes to ask questions? Do you take the time to ask questions for better understanding or simply because you think you already know the answer? Over the last few months, I’ve learned that I need to become much better at asking questions — and then actually listening for understanding. So often I find myself wondering why it’s easier to make friends as a kid than as an adult and one of the things I’ve noticed is that kids seem to be better at asking questions than adults. Kids are curious about so many things, so they ask a lot of questions. They are seeking to understand something or someone, so they ask and ask and ask until they do. In my experience, adults don’t do this as much — including myself.

There are so many interesting things about people and why they do what they do, but if we never stop to ask any questions — we might miss out on getting to know some really incredible people. I remember that when Marc and I were dating, we asked a lot of questions to each other. Why? We didn’t know each other. Our first date was technically a blind date because we had never knowingly seen each other in real life. We’d each seen a couple pictures of the other, but nothing in person. That meant that we had to take the time to ask a bunch of questions. I think time is another reason adults don’t do this as naturally as children. Children don’t care how long it’ll take to understand the “why” or “how” behind their question, they care about reaching a point of understanding. Adults, on the other hand, seem to care about time. They care about how quickly they can get back to whatever they were doing or on to the next thing on their agenda.

I’ve felt a deep desire to build community, especially since becoming a mama, and that takes time. I have to become okay with the fact that the people I see experiencing deep, life giving community have put in the time and effort required. Community isn’t something that happens overnight and deep community requires trust, some vulnerability, honesty, and time. There is great value in taking the time to build a community, but it is not something that is built from a one time conversation — even if that one conversation was deep. It is worth it though. Life is too short to rush through it alone.

Another huge part of asking questions, is remembering not to jump to conclusions. It can be easy to assume that you know something or jump to a conclusion before you even let the person answer the question. Everyone doesn’t think like you which means that their answers may not be what you would expect — and that is okay! The verse that comes to mind with this concept is James 1:19-20 which says, “…let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” We need to take the time to actually listen when someone speaks and understand what they’re saying before we assume their position on something. It can be easy to misunderstand someone’s motives and/or intentions if we don’t take the time to find out what they are. I think a lot of hurt could be avoided if we took the time to ask questions before we make assumptions about other people.

I think that if we can become really good at asking questions, we’ll be able to develop healthier relationships and build stronger community. I think that there is deep value in choosing to ask questions before assuming you know the answer. A lot of times, even well meaning people, end up saying foolish things or making hurtful assumptions because they failed to ask any questions. I know that in my own life, there has been deep hurt because of assumptions that others have made about me and how I do things — which most likely could be avoided by asking questions. When done in a loving way, asking questions can be an excellent way to get to know someone. Don’t assume you know why someone is doing something — even if you think you know the person. If they do something that you think is out of character for them or different than what you had come to expect, ask them about it with ears that are ready to listen and a mind that is open to understanding their answer.

Life is hard enough without a bunch of miscommunication or total lack of communication adding to it. The fact that Marc and I chose to cut refined sugar out of our family’s diet has seemed to really bother some people, but instead of asking us why we chose to do it, they just make hurtful assumptions and give unwanted opinions and advice on the topic. When you take the time to get to know someone and ask why they do things the way they do, it allows for deeper relationship. Communication is key in our relationship with God, marriage, motherhood, and every other area of life — so let’s make sure that we take the time to work on it. Ask questions, be kind when you speak, and take the time to understand where others are coming from — you just might be surprised by what you find and who you meet.

What is your favorite question to ask someone when you meet them?

Song(s) of the Week: This week I chose “We Need Each Other” by Sanctus Real. Enjoy!