Better Because of It?

Last December began a new season in my life as I began my journey as a wife! My husband and I were absolutely thrilled and excited as we began our life together. The weather was cold, but the snow held off and we were able to celebrate with some of our family and friends. It was such a happy day followed by our honeymoon and then Christmas and then New Years! We settled into our home after the hustle and bustle was over and began learning what it was like to be married. We both enjoyed it so much and, as we had talked about before getting married, we were just going to wait and let God decide when we would have children. Well, on March 22, 2019 we were absolutely overjoyed when a doctor’s office visit confirmed that we were pregnant! We were so excited that we drove around telling our parents and a couple other relatives because we just couldn’t wait for people to know! In the days and weeks that followed we began planning, talking about names, looking up how big our little one was each week as he or she grew. We did all the things that excited, expectant, first time parents do. Being parents is something that both of us look forward to and we were so excited that come November our first baby would be here.

For 8 weeks I carried our little one on the inside before the worry began to sink in. We found ourselves in the Emergency Room on April 15, 2019 — 8 weeks to the day — to be told that our baby had in fact come to soon. To say that we were devastated by our loss would be an understatement. It is the hardest thing that we’ve had to go through together and it has taken so much out of me physically, and out of both of us emotionally. Miscarriage is not something I ever really thought would happen to me. I knew that it happened, but I never thought I’d be someone who suffered from one. We were sent home to grieve and mourn together as we began the process of realizing that our little one would in fact not be coming this November. That we were parents, but didn’t have a physical baby to show for it or even a picture. The fact that we would never meet, see, or hold our baby this side of heaven was mind boggling. We had prayed and waited and trusted only to be left heartbroken and confused.

The days that followed were extremely painful physically as my body continued the natural process miscarriage. The physical pain ceased within a week as my hormone levels began to stabilize and my body settled down. In the weeks since our miscarriage, the emotional pain seems to come in waves. I do okay for a day and then I’m a mess the next day. It has now been 7 weeks since our baby left my body. Seven weeks of hurt and pain at things that I didn’t even realize would trigger such pain. Every time I hear that a woman is due to have a baby in November, I’m happy for them — but it’s hard as it reminds me that our precious little one won’t be joining them. It’s so ironic how so much pain can be caused by the loss of a baby that we never got to meet.

There are days when I’m filled with hope at the prospect of getting pregnant again and having a full-term, healthy, strong baby someday that I have a really great day. There are also days when I’m so angry that we lost our little one that I begin to question so many things and I end up having a bad day. As I have asked the many questions that I have, there is one thing I keep coming back to — God is good ALL the time. It isn’t right for me to trust Him when life is good and then to doubt Him when life is hard. He is faithful and when our hearts broke at the loss of our baby — so did His. As Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I have held on to the fact that God is right here with us walking through our pain. He is close to us and He is holding us even as we walk through this painful journey.

I have already seen His hand at work in our lives and our marriage and now I’ve seen it in this. From giving us a familiar face in our ER doctor to surrounding us with the love and support of so many relatives and people at our church. My eyes have been opened to another glimpse of the Father’s love for us. Our world is broken because of sin and filled with pain and heartache. I’m sure that I will never understand why we had to go through a miscarriage, but I know that God can use it for His glory. That even as we are in the midst of this pain, He can use it to touch someone else. I have realized that there must be a greater purpose for our pain than we can see. In Matthew 5:4, Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Through this mourning process that I’ve found that what I was once taught is true — without experiencing the pain of mourning, how can we fully experience the blessing of being comforted? When Jesus died on the cross, the pain that was endured was unimaginable, yet without that pain I would be lost and without hope — as would we all. The purpose for the pain that Jesus endured was that we might be reconciled to the Father through the forgiveness of our sins.

Thanks to the sacrifice and pain that was endured for me, I know that our baby is with his or her Creator and that one day my husband and I will be too. I know that there will continue to be days that are hard and as November rolls around this year, I’m sure it will bring with it some hard days. Easter was already hard. Mother’s Day was already hard. I know that upcoming holidays will be hard and as I think of them I’m reminded of what Jesus said in John 16:33 “…In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I know that hard days are ahead of me, but I also know that Jesus has overcome all the hurt and pain this world has to throw at us — even death.

A few month’s ago, one of my favorite artists — Danny Gokey — released a new album called “Haven’t Seen It Yet” and it is incredible! I have listened to it over and over as God has used it to remind me that He is working in ways that I can’t see. There is a song on the album titled “Better Because Of It” and it has caused me to think deeply about how I am going to allow our miscarriage to impact my life. In the song he talks about how the things that we think will break us are the things that God uses to make us stronger. He talks about how someone else needs our story and that even though it’s hard, God knows more than us, and how through the pain He can make us better because of it. I pray that as we continue to heal from this tragedy, that we would not become bitter. I pray that we would allow God to use our story for His plan and purpose. That we would become better people, a better couple, better parents when we do get to bring one of our babies home — all around better people with hearts that are more like His.

Miscarriage is something that is a part of far more stories than I ever knew before we had ours. I have been approached by so many people — many that I never would have suspected — that have endured the pain of losing a little one to miscarriage. Our story is far from over and I am not writing this from “the other side” we aren’t pregnant again yet, but we are praying and believing that God will grant us another little blessing someday. My hope is that our story would encourage you to remember that no matter what pain you’re facing, God truly can make you better because of it.

Song of the Week: “Better Because Of It” by Danny Gokey. This week’s song is the one that I mentioned above. The entire album is phenomenal by the way, so you should definitely check it all out if you haven’t.