Grief and Eggs

It had been a couple of days since my dad unexpectedly passed away and I decided to make breakfast. Marc had been taking care of everything including any food we had to make, but I needed to do something “normal” and breakfast felt like an easy enough task. I began making eggs — which I’d done hundreds of times before — but this time it was different. As I was cooking them — scrambled with cheese — my vision became blurry and the tears started to fall. You see, my dad was known for his “cheese eggs” because anytime all of us had breakfast together that’s what he’d make — and they were good. As I stood by the stove cooking them the way that he’d taught me to years ago I cried.

It’s such a strange thing how something as simple as cooking eggs can cause you to stop and grieve. The tears were totally unexpected and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I managed to finish cooking them through the tears, but it was weird. Realizing that I’d never eat my dad’s “cheese eggs” again was weird — and hard to come to grips with. He was gone and I would never see him again, talk to him again, or eat his food again here on this earth as I know it. The facts were there, but the reality was tough to accept. Grief has a way of reminding you of all that was, and all that never will be again, and it hurts more than I ever imagined it would.

As I finished making breakfast and began eating those eggs, it was nearly impossible to swallow because I was just so sad. The tears kept falling no matter how many times I wiped them away and the tight feeling in my throat wouldn’t go away no matter how many sips of water I took. I finished eating it eventually and carried on with the rest of the day, but that moment became a memory. Every time that I make eggs — whether they have cheese in them or not — I think about my dad, and I make eggs a lot. My oldest asks for eggs for breakfast at least five times a week and since we have chickens, I make them all the time. Eggs are one of those things that will always remind me of my dad because that man liked eggs more than anyone I’ve ever met! It didn’t matter if they were scrambled, hard boiled, or over medium — he’d eat them and he enjoyed them so much.

There have been other instances where I’ll be doing something and unexpectedly feel my throat tighten and the tears build up behind my eyes, and when I think I’ve been through all of those types of situations, another one will occur. It has happened through food, my children, driving certain places, seeing certain things, hearing certain things, and on and on. My point is that there are little things that I didn’t even always pay attention to before, that now make me miss him because they remind me of him. Grief is like that — it sneaks up on you sometimes and then you have to deal with it or try to stuff it down. I highly recommend dealing with it in the moment because I’ve done the stuffing thing and it just makes it ten times worse. If you don’t deal with it in the moment, you’ll be forced to eventually because stuffing is a short term solution to a long term situation.

It’s in these unexpected moments that I’m quickly reminded of how fleeting our lives on earth truly are. James 4:14 reminds us, “…you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” Having a miscarriage with our first baby reminded me of the accuracy of this verse. Losing my dad unexpectedly reminded me of it again. Our lives are super short compared to eternity — even if we live to be 100 or more, it’s still short compared to eternity! We aren’t guaranteed our next breath, let alone another day, so we ought to live well. People often think that they won’t be the one getting the unexpected phone call on a seemingly normal Monday that changes their lives — I didn’t, until it happened to me. Our miscarriage happened on a Monday and my dad passed away on a Monday — neither time did I think that that would be how those Mondays would go. I didn’t think either of those things would be a part of my story, but now they both are and I’m aware that I’m not exempt from more hard things in my life. Life is hard and God is good.

So, don’t forget to tell the ones you love that you do. Don’t forget to take the pictures when you want to because they might be all that you have to look at one day. Don’t hold grudges and don’t spend so much time looking into the future that you forget to pay attention to the present. Don’t waste a day — you never know what each one will bring. Live your life with the realization that even tomorrow isn’t promised, but that doesn’t mean you need to live in fear of death. Seek forgiveness and offer it. Allow yourself to be loved by God and love Him too. I have learned to love God, Marc, and our boys in a much deeper and different way than I ever did before I experienced the grief of unexpected losses. Life is precious and every single breath you get to take truly is a miracle — live like it!

What is something that you do to live well?

Song(s) of the Week: This week I chose “How You Live (Turn Up the Music)” by Point of Grace. Enjoy!