Control

The other day, I told Marc that being a mama is one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done in my life. There is so much that goes into it and it’s a daily lesson in humility — multiple times a day in my experience. There are unending lessons to be learned and no matter how hard I try I will fail at things — daily. I will make mistakes, forget something, respond in a way that isn’t loving, miss teachable moments, become irritated, or any other number of things. There is no such thing as a perfect mama, but thankfully I have a perfect Heavenly Father that loves my children more than I can imagine. He loves me more than I can imagine.

I think one thing that is hard about motherhood, is that there are a lot of things that aren’t necessarily good or bad, but rather just preference. There are a lot of decisions to be made in regards to my children and a lot of opinions on what those decisions should be. While we are taught not to let what others think bother us — that’s a lot easier said than done in my opinion. On top of the opinions of others, there’s a constant knowing that I can’t shield my children from all the pain in this world no matter how I might try. To have to recognize and accept that they will face trials and pain and encounter people that are unkind is hard. To realize that I can’t make the decision to believe in Jesus for them is also hard. There’s so much that I can’t control — and realizing that and accepting it is hard.

I don’t get to control my children. Even if I know something is good for them, I can’t make them do it. I can’t make them sleep at night, I can’t make them eat, I can’t make them love Jesus, I can’t make them be wise, and the list goes on forever. I can protect them from some things and other things they simply have to learn on their own. I can teach them what I believe is best, but at the end of the day, it’s up to them to decide if they agree or not. With each passing day, they gain more independence. My boys are all very young right now — the oldest not yet being three — and already there is such a desire for independence within him. Obviously, he still needs a lot of direction and provision, but he learns new skills all the time. There is so much that he doesn’t understand yet — and some things he never will. I get frustrated with my children, but when I really think about it, I’m actually frustrated with myself. My children remind me of my need for Jesus all the time. That daily lesson in humility I mentioned in the beginning can be summed up in this — I need Jesus.

Every single moment of every single day, I need Him, yet I often act like a child trying to see how independent I can be. I’ll prioritize things other than obedience and make excuses for why my way is better. It’s not that I’m always consciously doing this, but much like how my boys will randomly take a toy from each other out of nowhere, I act without thinking. I speak without thinking. I react without thinking. I do things that I’ve been taught by my Father not to do and make unwise decisions that lead to discipline, just like my children. The obvious difference between me and God is that He’s perfect and I’m not. He never makes a mistake and always acts and speaks perfectly….He also never gets exhausted — no matter how many times I call/cry for Him in the night. He is always kind and is the perfect example of a parent. I’m very grateful for His grace and for the ways in which He continues to teach me, guide me, and remind me that His grace is sufficient for me and His power shines in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

Being a mama is hard — no doubt about that — but it is also filled with joy. The author of the book “M is for Mama” — Abbie Halberstadt — always says that “hard is not the same thing as bad.” This has been such a helpful reminder to me in the midst of the hard moments of motherhood. There are many hard moments, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad moments. There are hard moments in my own life, but that doesn’t mean that they’re bad. There were hard moments in Jesus’ life — and the hardest one of all led to His greatest joy. Hebrews 12:2 says, “looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” He endured the cross — which was hard — for the joy that was before Him — which was us. Even in the midst of the hard, there was joy.

So, as I continue to learn and grow as a mama, I pray that I would learn to remember the joy in the midst of the hard. I pray that I would make my priorities honoring to God and keep them that way. I pray that in the sleepless nights, the disobedience, the repetition, and the mundane, that I would remember my need for Jesus. I pray that I would seek forgiveness, love well, and always work on James 1:19-20, which says, “…let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” I know that I cannot be a perfect mama. I also know that by seeking God, striving to live in a way that honors Him, allowing Him to work in my heart, and lead me, that I can be the best mama for my children. I can do the hard work of allowing Him to weed out my pride, my desire for control, and all the other things that need to be weeded out because the joy that comes from that is worth it.

Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD…” which I believe with my entire being. Children are a gift and a blessing and I am honored to be my boys’ mama. Even in the hard — they are a blessing. Even in the midst of the sleepless nights that are filled with tears — they are a gift. Even when I don’t think anyone could love them more than me — God does, and His love never fails. I need Jesus, but Jesus doesn’t need me. The fact that I get to be my boys’ mama and play a role in their lives is an honor. I get to be used by God to raise my children — which are ultimately His children — what a gift.

What’s something or someone that has encouraged you in the midst of the hard parts of life? Is control something that’s hard for you to give up?

Song(s) of the Week: This week I chose “Control” by Tenth Avenue North. Enjoy!