Grieving Well

Grief. It’s one of those things that I find uncomfortable to say the least. I don’t enjoy it and I’m not the best at dealing with it. I told myself that I was going to grieve the loss of my dad well because I didn’t grieve the loss of our first baby well (we lost our first baby to a miscarriage). Well, it’s been a little over 15 months since my dad passed away and I’m here to say that I have once again, not grieved well.

Three months after my dad passed away we found out that we were expecting our third baby and our other two boys were both under two at the time. Pregnancy is such a blessing and I don’t take it for granted; however, it isn’t easy for me because I get “morning” sickness at all hours of the day. I’ve always had a very sensitive gag reflex and when I’m pregnant it becomes even more sensitive. I can’t cry very hard when I’m pregnant because my own snot makes me puke — going through the majority of the first year without my dad with an inability to cry without puking led me to avoid crying at all cost. Well, it’s pretty hard to grieve without crying — at least it was for me — so I didn’t do it, or rather, I didn’t do it well.

I spent my pregnancy focused on being pregnant and taking care of my other boys. Most of the “firsts” happened during my pregnancy and instead of grieving them well, I just focused my attention elsewhere. I gained more weight during that pregnancy than I ever had in my entire life. I turned to food as a comfort because it was easy — and my dad really enjoyed food, so in some ways I felt like that was a way to grieve losing him, but I was wrong. Instead of it bringing me comfort, it brought me more pain because food is a terrible replacement for Jesus.

I shifted my focus from grieving well to plowing through that pregnancy and that first year as fast as I could. I just wanted it to be over — as if the one year mark was some magical thing that would make it all easier once it was done. I was wrong. All the grieving that I failed to do during that first year reared it’s head and I became angry — like really angry. I could feel it happening, but didn’t realize what it was because anger doesn’t always present itself in the same way. I was becoming extremely frustrated over things that didn’t warrant the level of frustration that I felt. I began overreacting to things and blamed it on postpartum hormones without even knowing if that was fair — or true. I started crying about super random things and would become so overwhelmed by daily tasks that I’d just stop and not do anything. It was irritating because I couldn’t pinpoint the problem for a long time and until I did, there was no way for me to deal with it.

Now that I’ve been able to realize that it’s anger because of grief that I haven’t worked through, I can start working through it. Years ago, I read a book called “No More Faking Fine” by Esther Fleece Allen and it was all about lamenting well because all too often we aren’t taught how to do that. When we aren’t taught how to grieve well and/or how to walk with others in their grief, we can become uncomfortable around it — myself included.

Grief is an inevitable part of living in a sinful world. No one is exempt from the reality of grief. Whether it’s caused by the death of a person, a dream, a certain life we thought we’d have, the loss of a pet, or any number of other causes — we all experience it. I’m not sure why we aren’t taught how to grieve well — maybe because it’s so different for each person or because no one thinks of it as something to prepare for. I don’t know, but I wish I would’ve learned how to do it before I had to do it. For me, grieving is awkward, uncomfortable, and harder than I ever thought it would be. There’s so many aspects of it and sometimes it catches me off guard. I’m not angry that my dad no longer has to deal with the pain and suffering of this world, I’m angry because of all the things in my life that have had to change because he’s not here anymore. Honestly, if I break down my anger even further, it’s not anger — it’s deep sadness and hurt. It’s all the things I imagined him being a part of — namely my children’s lives — that he won’t be a part of that is the hardest. It’s hard — that doesn’t make it bad, it just makes it hard.

I’m obviously not on the other side of this — wherever that is — but I’m ready to share it as I work through it. I often remind myself of John 16:33 when Jesus says, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”” This world is hard, but I can have peace in the hard because Jesus has already overcome it. I can look toward the hope of heaven thanks to Him and for that I am eternally grateful. Life is hard and God is good — both are true at the same time. I know that God can use my pain for His glory and it is my prayer that I will always allow Him to. I don’t want to become bitter or stuck in my feelings of anger, so I will do the hard work and actually deal with my grief now — since I can cry without making myself puke.

What’s something that has helped you walk through grief in your own life?

Song(s) of the Week: This week I chose “Heaven Changes Everything” by Big Daddy Weave. Enjoy!